No offence, but I can tell that this is one of the first songs you've made. You clearly have good musical ideas, but it's going to take a lot of work to be able to present them in a refined way.
-Most good songs have a balance of tension and release. Tension can be built and released in different ways, but one surefire way to ruin the drama of a song is to have a crash cymbal every 4 bars!
-How bout some chords? How bout some vocals? How bout some weird-ass sounds?
-Don't just use the default samples or someone else's sounds all the time, make something I haven't already heard a thousand times!
-The timing grid is just a suggestion.
Keep making music! Do it every day if you can, and pay lots of attention to other people's music too. Everything else will naturally follow that.
I like the ambitiousness of this tune, and I like the direction you are going for with it. On the other hand, I think this song falls flat in a few ways; mainly in terms of the flatness of the arrangement and the lack of any percussion.
Another thing that I noticed about this song is the (over)abundance of lyrics, I have a sense of what the song is about, but I think the lyrics could be improved if they were less redundant and told more of a story.
All in all, I think this song has lots of potential, but it could be more engaging and concise.
*clasps silver necklace to chest*
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